It's not easy being Jordan
by Ruiner29
Summary: Jordan's POV in his attempts to win back Angela after she found out he didn't write the infamous letter.. * AM IN THE PROCESS OF FINISHING THIS STORY AFTER A THREE YEAR HIATUS...;P*
1. Chapter 1

Rubbing his eyes wearily, Jordan sighed and continued to write onto the creased paper in front of him. _It's like she expects me to be everything i'm not but doesn't kinda expect anything from me at all at the same time..I dunno, why can't I like be all the things she truly needs? She's in my head like all the fuckin time, it's driving me insane 'cos I've never let a chick get to me before..Angela though, man , Angela Chase is different._

He shook his head in an attempt to clear his mind somehow of the thoughts of her running through his mind.

"Yea like that worked.." He chuckled aloud as he ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He glanced at the alarm clock on his bedside table and winced in realisation that it had taken him from 9pm til 1.30am to try and write a simple letter to Angela Chase.

"Brain probably wrote his letter to her in like 5 minutes, Brain's smart like that" he mumbled, chewing the end of his pencil. He lowered his head and continued to write, pausing now and then to frown and chew his thumbnail.

When he had finished writing, he re read what he had written and smiled. He placed the paper into an envelope and scrawled her name in capital letters.

"AN-GE-LLA" he spoke softly and slowly, taking in her name.

He leant over and switched his lamp off and flounced back onto his bed, letting his head sink into the comfort of his pillow.

_I tried to tell her the letter wasn't mine, but she wouldn't listen..Man, her face when she used to looked into my eyes, her face was like alight. She shone and I did that to her, she was so happy. Then she told me, she told me she knew the letter Brain wrote wasn't from me. She told me to drive her home..Shit, it was like seeing her break her heart all over again, she wouldn't let me explain._

_Yea I'm no good for her, I'm no good for anyone..I need her though, more than I ever thought I would and I can't like lose her..Not now. She won't talk to me, hell she won't even look at me anymore, she barely talks to Brain. She's unhappy and it's my fault. So if this letter I wrote, makes her like smile or something, then it's a start.._

He Wiped his nose with the back of his hand and tried to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Rain poured onto the window screen, blurring his vision of her walking into the school entrace. He drummed his fingers impatiently on the steering wheel and turned off the engine.

He checked his shirt pocket, making sure the letter was still in there. He felt the edge of the envelope and sighed. "here goes nothin" he muttered as he got out of the car and headed into school.

Walking down the corridor towards his locker, Jordan kept his head lowered to the floor. He hated school, hated the way people had their cliques and attitudes. You had to be someone in school or be a nobody. Jordan was a someone but for the wrong reasons, he had a reputation as being a slacker, with no real interest in anything other than the occasional PE lesson.

He had never really bothered with lessons before she came along, not that he didn't want to, but because he couldn't ask for help. He had difficulty in reading and it wasn't until she pushed him to address that problem , that he really started to make changes he needed to make.

She bought out the good in him, his potential to make something of himself rather than drift and if he had learnt anything from the time he spent with her, it was he could be someone.

He wasn't going to quit now she didn't want to know. He would continue with his assisted tutoring and actually graduate this year. He owed it to her but above all, he owed it to himself.

As he got to his locker he paused, looking around for a glimpse of her Red hair. She was no where to be seen. He closed his eyes and opened his locker.

"Yo Catalano, dude..I need a ride later on, I need to get to Tino's before practise tonight.." He turned to see Shane looking impatiently at him.

Shane was Jordans best friend, had been since they were 7 years old. Jordan grimaced and shook his head "Dammit Shane, I'm tired of ferrying your ass around man, when you gonna get your own wheels huh?" he said frustrated at Shanes lack of caring for anything other than his own selfish needs.

Shane laughed and slapped his shoulder "Chill out dude, it's not like I'm asking for a new kidney off you or something, geesh it's a fuckin ride..chill, I'll get ya some smokes if it's that bigger deal"

Jordan sighed and shook his head "nah it's cool, sorry bro..I'm just kinda tired. Sure, I'll take you to Tino's, I need to see him anyway"

Shane frowned and looked at his friend concerned. "You look kinda stressed..wanna skip english and go for a smoke? Maybe you can tell me why you have a stick up your ass today?" he said nudging his arm jokingly.

Jordan laughed and nodded "Yea fuck it, let's go for a smoke.."

They walked towards the school exit passing her locker on the way out. Jordan slowed down his pace and reached into his shirt pocket, taking a firm hold of the envelope.

He stopped outside her locker and looked at the letter in his hands.

Shane was talking to himself a few feet ahead of him. He turned and frowned when he realised Jordan had stopped. "Dude! C'mon already.." he said agitated.

Jordan looked from Shane to the envelope and then slipped the envelope through the slats in her locker. Shane walked towards him with his eyebrows raised. "What are you doing man? What did you just put in her locker?"

Jordan couldn't help but smile at Shane taking on the appearance of a concerned parent. Shane was stood with his hands on his hips glaring at Jordan, waiting for a reasonable explanation.

"I got some stuff I needed to like say to her.." he said quietly not looking into Shanes eyes.

"I see.." said Shane still frowning. He rubbed his chin and narrowed his eyes trying to read Jordans mind. "So like closure right?" he asked.

Jordan nodded "Yea..um closure, that's all man..Just closure"

Shane smiled at Jordans answer. "Good, cos I'm telling you dude, you need to forget that chick..seriously, she's like _weird " _He said as they continued to walk away.

Jordan took one final glance at her locker._ That's all I have, all I can say and all I feel in that letter..Read it, please, either way just read it and try to understand_ he thought as he headed out of the school door.


	3. Chapter 3

Shane sat down on the muddy grass and rested his back against the damp brick wall. He placed a cigarette into his mouth and looked at Jordan expectantly.

Jordan seemed oblivious to his surroundings, lost in his own thoughts.

Shane cleared his throat, snapping Jordan out of his daydream. "Catalano a light would y'know..be like.. good right now man" he said gesturing to the lighter in Jordan's hand.

"uh hey sorry..here" he mumbled handing Shane his lighter.

Shane rubbed his chin and lit his cigarette, inhaling a lungful of smoke. "Man you just aren't fuckin here today are ya?" He exhaled the smoke in frustration and kicked Jordan in the shin.

"Fuck! Shit Shane that fuckin hurt..what's your deal?" frowned Jordan, rubbing his shin in confusion. Shane smirked and stood up , looking towards the playing feilds.

"I have no deal Jordan, you're the one with the problems dude, you haven't like listened to a thing I've been saying.."

Jordan looked to the floor "I've listened" he said quietly.

Shane turned to face his friend "You've listened but I've watched, and dude, you have been moping around since that chick blew you out..Get over her already..She's over you"

Jordan felt his heart sink at Shanes words. "I am over her"

Shane gave Jordan a small sad smile "Keep on telling yourself that man, one day you may beleive it" he took a last drag on his cigarette and flicked it into the wall.

"I'm outta here man, I gotta go to science" he waited for Jordan to walk with him but Jordan didn't move from his seat on the floor.

"Catalano, you coming?" he said impatiently.

Jordan shook his head "Nah man you go, I'm gonna sit here for a while" he looked up at Shane and then proceeded to put eye drops into his eyes.

Shane sighed "okay whatever, laters dude" he walked away kicking an empty pepsi can on his way.

"Laters" muttered Jordan.

Jordan lit a cigarette and put his earphones in his ears. He turned up the volume and closed his eyes to the sound of Alice In Chains 'Dirt'.

_'Down in a hole, losing my soul..I'd like to fly..But my wings have been so denied' _He was lost in the song, eyes closed and humming, unaware that he had company.

Rayanne Graff sat opposite him, watching him intently a small smile fixed to her face. She opened a small box of raisins and popped one into her mouth, chewing it slowly ,all the time never taking her gaze off of Jordan.

She watched him take the last drag on his cigarette and as he opened his eyes to throw the butt away, he sat bolt upright realising he was being looked at.

He pulled his earphones out and ran his hand through his hair, somewhat flustered at being caught offguard.

"Hey Catalano" drawled Graff still smiling in a goofy way at him.

"Um hey..How long have you been sitting there?" he said, standing up.

"Long enough to realise why you play guitar and don't like to sing" she smiled playing with one of her braids.

Jordan felt uncomfortable, he didn't like being around Graff, not since that time when they got it on. "Yea well, I didn't like realise I had an audience" he said stiffly.

"So, what's up Catalano?" she smiled.

"Nothing" he shrugged. "I just wanted to be alone, and now I'm not, so i'm like..gonna go now" he said turning away from her.

Rayanne sighed and shrugged, standing up and slinging her bag over her shoulder. She watched Jordan walk away and called after him.

"You know, you're not the only one who misses her.." she said sadly.

Jordan turned back round to face her and looked her in the eyes for the first time in an age. "Yea, I know." he said sadly. "Laters Graff"

He walked quickly back into the school and away from the cause of his problems with Angela.


	4. Chapter 4

"So can anyone tell me what page you got to on friday?" asked Katimski, scratching his head in confusement. His question was met with a loud groan from the students in his class.

"Um, it was page 36.." Brian Krakow raised his hand slowly, looking around at the frowns staring back at him.

He gave the teacher a small smile and lowered his hand much faster than when he had raised it.

Angela Chase sat at the table next to Sharon Cherski,she leant over and whispered something in Sharon's ear making her giggle.

Jordan strained his neck to try and hear what she had said. He was situated a few tables behind her, he figured he'd give her space as he was the last person she wanted eye contact with.

_Man has she even read this letter yet? She's not looked at me once, I know she's been to her locker, I saw her standing with Rickie at it..She must have read it..Why hasn't she said anything to me? Fuck this is driving me insane_ he thought as he lowered his head into his folded arms on the desk.

"Mr Catalano? This isn't a time for sleeping, pay attention please.." Katimski stood with his arms folded, looking at him with a face full of dissapointment.

"oh, I um..I wasn't like.. sleeping.." mumbled Jordan, wanting the world to swallow him whole.

She was looking at him, she had turned and was looking directly into his eyes. He felt his stomach knot up and looked away from her.

Mr Katimski walked over to his desk and placed a book in front of him. "Read the last two paragraphs on page 36 please Jordan.." he said, Looking at him expectantly.

Jordan swallowed hard, he hated reading, let alone to a whole class.."Do I have to?" he asked nervously.

Katimski chuckled and scratched his chin. "Jordan , you don't _have_ to do anything, but you are here to learn, so I would _prefer_ it if you would please.." He opened the book and pointed out the paragraphs that he wanted Jordan to read aloud.

Jordan cleared his throat. 7 months ago he'd never have imagined that he'd be able to read in front of the class, 7 months ago he would have found an excuse and bailed. Not this time, this time he would prove to her and everyone that he could do it.

He stood up and ran his fingers through his hair, trying hard not to focus on anyone within the classroom. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, took a deep breath and proceeded to read from the poetry book in his hands.

"Why she left I'll never know,

Why she broke my heart that day is unknown

So many reasons to let go, but more reasons to hold on

My love for her will remain strong

Love runs like blood through my viens

it will live in me as long as the sun will burn

I only hope that one day she'll return.."

Jordan once again cleared his throat and sat back down into his chair. He looked at a smiling Mr Katimski who nodded approvingly at him. He then switched his gaze to Angela who was looking at him biting her lower lip. Her eyes were shiny, tears remained in her eyes, refusing to fall.

Guilt felt like a kick in the stomach to him and he looked away from her ashamed._ I can't bare to see the pain in her face_ he thought as he stared at the cold concrete of the floor.

"Very good Jordan, that was very well read" Katimskis voice broke Jordans thoughts. "Thanks" he mumbled biting his thumb shyly.

Mr Katimski made his way back to the front of the classroom. " There is nothing more powerful than the raw emotion of loss" he said to his students. "Love is lost, hearts are broken but the strength of hope carries one forward to the next day. Is this person foolish to hope?" he asked, resting his hand on his chin as he looked around at the emotionless and uninterested students in front of him.

Jordan looked at her, she gave him a quick glance and turned back around to face Katimski. "Hoping is never foolish, Everyone needs to hope and believe in second chances, ya just have to..Else, there's nothin.." he said sadly ,never taking his eyes off of her.

Angela looked into his Blue eyes, a tear fell down her cheek. "I need to go to the bathroom" she said to Katimski as she ran out of the class.


	5. Chapter 5

He watched her run out of the class and without hesitation, ran past a confused Katimski and followed her.

"Angela wait.." he called, seeing her running ahead of him.

She stopped in her tracks. He could see her shoulders rise and fall with her sobs. He caught up to her and tentatively put his hand on her shoulder.

"I never meant to hurt you..You know that right?" he asked softly.

She turned to face him, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I just want to move on Jordan, I need to like..try and get over you" she said not meeting his gaze.

He nodded in understanding, although his heart felt heavy. "Yea..sorry. I'm really sorry..for _everything_" he said biting his thumbnail nervously.

He pulled her into a hug, wrapping his arms around her tightly. She didn't respond, just stood there motionless. He didn't care, he just needed to hold her one last time. He closed his eyes and took in her scent.

_God she smells so good, I never fuckin deserved her in the first place, she can do better_ he thought as he squeezed her tighter.

He released her as she looked at him, lower lip wobbling. "I know you're sorry, I just can't deal with how you are. You use others feelings instead of your own to get what you want. Jordan, I thought that letter was from you, I _believed _that everything written came from you. But it didn't did it? It came from Brian.._Brian"_

He nodded and looked at the floor "It's still how I felt though Angela, not my words no, but how I feel..Brain just worded it better."

They both looked at eachother in uncomfortable silence. Angela sighed and looked around "I need to go to the bathroom.."

He gave her a small smile, not knowing what else to say. _I got so many things I wanna say to her, I get it all figured out in my head. Then I see her and I fuck up, I always fuck up.._he thought as he watched her turn away from him.

His heart raced as she started to walk away from him.

"I put a letter in your locker earlier. Please..read it" he said with slight desperation in his voice.

She turned to face him "You wrote it? I mean it came from you?" she said with slight sarcasm in her tone.

He looked hurt at her words and suddenly felt very insecure "Yea I wrote it, _all_ of it" he muttered. She tucked her hair behind her ear. "What's the point?" she said, looking like she was going to cry again. She wiped her eyes angrily with the back of her hand.

"'Cos I need you to read it, really read it and know that I'm sorry.." he said still looking at the floor.

Angela sighed "I'll read it tonight after school. I need to focus on studying and I don't want to deal with this in school, not now"

He nodded and smiled at her gratefully "Thanks, I just need you to read it that's all...Angela?"

"Yea?" she whispered

"We have some new songs I wrote, we'll be at the coffee house tonight playing. It'll be cool If you could come along. Y'know, check us out.." He looked at her hoping she'd agree to go.

She shook her head "Depends If I get my homework done or not. I might sure.."

He smiled at her as she turned away from him once again. "cool" he whispered.

Shane, Tim and Jordan had just finished PE. They were sat on the playing fields smoking.

"So have you handed out posters for tonights gig or what?" Shane looked at Jordan who nodded.

"Yea man, it's covered."

"That's cool, should be a good one.." He said chewing on a bit of grass.

A blonde girl walked over to them, cigarette in her hand. "Hey Catalano, got a light?"

He looked up to see Cynthia in front of him._ Fuck, why can't she leave me alone._ he thought.

"Yea sure, here" he threw her his lighter and looked away from her.

She lit up and sat down next to him. Nudging his arm with her elbow. "How's it going you?" she smiled.

He shrugged and looked at Shane who was smirking at him. "Yea you know, nothin.."

She reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a flyer for their show. "I'm going" she smiled pointing to the flyer.

"cool" muttered Jordan, wanting her to leave him alone.

"So..maybe we can like , go somewhere after?" she said suggestively. Jordan looked at her and ran his hand through his hair.

_I only wanna go somewhere with Angela_

"yea whatever..maybe" he said casually.

Shane stood up "Yo man we gotta go" he said to Jordan, noticing that he was uncomfortable.

Cynthia frowned" Ah guys I just lit up, you can't go yet!" she said pouting.

Jordan stood up "Yea we got shit to do..See ya around" he said not giving her a second glance.

They walked away from her and Shane laughed "She still wants ya dude"

Jordan shrugged "not interested man"

All he could think of was Angela and whether she'd read his letter and turn up at the coffee house later that night.


	6. Chapter 6

Jordan looked around the crowded coffee house, searching out one particular face. The face that could make his heart stop in his chest and send warmth gushing through his entire being. _Where the hell is she? She said she'd be here.._His stomach lurched and his heart felt heavy. He turned to look at Shane who was seated at his drumkit waiting for them to start. Shane frowned "Jordan dude, we gotta start man. Quit stalling and play..people are waiting man"

Jordan gave him an apprehensive nod and turned back round to the waiting crowd._ Shit they all look impatient_ he thought as he looked at the blur of faces in front of him.

"Hey guys, we're Residue. Thanks for coming out tonite. Here's some new tracks we wrote a few days ago..I hope you like them"

Jordan leant in close to the mic, and started to sing, his voice low and gentle.

_You could be happy and I won't know_

_But you weren't happy the day I watched you go_

_And all the things that I wished I had not said_

_Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head_

_Is it too late to remind you how we were_

_But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur_

_Most of what I remember makes me sure_

_I should have stopped you from walking out the door_

_You could be happy, I hope you are_

_You made me happier than I'd been by far_

_Somehow everything I own smells of you_

_And for the tiniest moment it's all not true_

_Do the things that you always wanted to_

_Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do_

_More than anything I want to see you, girl_

_Take a glorious bite out of the whole world_

After he finished the song, the band were met with a few seconds of silence followed by rapturous applause. Jordan turned to Shane and smiled with a mixture of relief and pride.

"Thanks very much guys we are only doing two more songs, short set tonite but we'll be back.." he mumbled before strumming on his guitar.

"This next song is a cover of a favorite band of ours, if you know the words sing along" he smiled.

_Day after day, I will walk, and I will play._

_But the day, after today, I will stop, and I will start._

_Why can't I get just one kiss?_

_Why can't I get just one kiss?_

_Believe me there's somethings I wouldn't miss,_

_but I look at your pants and I need a kiss._

_Why can't I get just one screw?_

_Why can't I get just one screw?_

_Baby I know what to do,_

_but something won't let me make love to you._

_Why can't I get just one fuck?_

_Why can't I get just one fuck?_

_Guess its' got something to do with luck,_

_but I've waited my whole life for just one..._

_Day after day I get angry and I will say_

_that the day is in my sight,_

_take a vow to say good night._

_Oh ma ma ma ma mo ma mum_

_Have you kept an eye, and eye on your son._

_I know you've got problems,_

_Your not the only one, when your sugar left_

_he left you on run._

_Oh ma ma ma ma mo ma mum_

_Take a look now at what your boy has done._

_He's walking around like he's number one._

_He went downtown and got him a gun._

_Don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me._

_Don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me._

_You know you've got my sympathy, but_

_don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me._

_Don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me._

_Don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me._

_You know you've got my sympathy. but_

_don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me._

_Looking down kitchen at the top of stairs_

_can I mix in with your affairs?_

_Share a smoke, make a joke,_

_grasp and reach for a leg of hope._

_Words to memorize, words hypnotize,_

_words make my mother exercise._

_Words all fail the magic prize,_

_nothing I can say when I am in your thighs._

_Oh mo ma ma ma ma mo ma mother_

_I would love to love you lover._

_The city's restless, its ready to pounce._

_When I'm in your bedroom ounce for ounce._

_I fear for you decisions to make,_

_things to lose things to take._

_Jessie's about ready to cut it up,_

_she said wait a minute honey gonna add it up._

The coffee house was alive, everywhere around people were dancing and clapping. All but one person sat alone at a table at the back of the room, nursing a black coffee in her hands and watching Jordan intently.

She felt aglow with pride for him, she could see the look of joy and achievement in his face and smiled. He hadn't seen her, she could see that he had been looking around, but he had failed to catch a glimpse of her Red hair way out in the back of the room. She preffered it that way, she didn't want him losing concentration.

Jordan cleared his throat. "This last song is dedicated to someone who has changed me in ways she'll never know. I never had the balls to tell her what I felt and I lost her.

Anyways, this is for Angela. Wherever she is" he whispered.

_Sheets of empty canvas, untouched sheets of clay,_

_Her legs spread out before me as her body was still._

_All five horizons revolved around her soul as the Earth to the Sun._

_Now the air I tasted and breathed has taken a turn._

_Ooh, and all I taught her was everything._

_Ooh, I know she gave me all that she wore._

_And now my bitter hands shake beneath the clouds of what was everything._

_All the pictures have all been washed in black,_

_Tattooed everything..._

_I take a walk outside,_

_I'm surrounded by some kids at play._

_I can feel their laughter, so why do I sear?_

_And twisted thoughts that spin round my head,_

_I'm spinning, oh, I'm spinning..._

_How quick the sun can drop away,_

_And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything._

_All the pictures have all been washed in black,_

_Tattooed everything..._

_All the love gone bad turned my world to black,_

_Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll be, yeah._

_I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,_

_I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky,_

_But why, why, why can't it be, why can't it be mine?_

Whistles and mad applause filled the room , deafening the band. Jordan grinned from ear to ear and showed his appreciation to his audience by clapping to them.

"Thanks very much, we're Residue and you guys have been great!" he smiled.

As they got off the stage, Shane and Jordan were swamped by people wanting to congratulate them and say how much they loved the songs they performed.

Shane was in the middle of two pretty Brunettes, his arms strewn over each of their shoulders.

Jordan smiled at him and continued to look around for her. He was about to give up when he spotted her still sat at the table. They made eye contact and she smiled at him shyly.

Jordan felt butterflies dance wildly in his stomach. He took a deep breath and headed towards her.

As he approached her table she tucked her hair behind her ear. "Hey" she said softly.

"Hey back" he smiled as he took a seat opposite her.

"So you guys, were great..Like _really _good" she beamed at him proudly.

Jordan felt himself go shy and smiled looking towards the ground. "You know it was because of you right? Because you made me want to do somethin with my life, not that I didn't want to like sing or anything..But you are the reason for the songs" he said seriously, looking into her eyes.

Angela smiled and looked around the room nervously "You always had it in you Jordan, it was just finding a way to express it..and I guess music is that way" she murmured.

Jordan leant forward and took her hand in his. "So can we like go somewhere to talk?" he asked her, his eyes pleading with hers.

Angela didn't pull away from him. She softly ran her thumb over the back of his hand "Sure we can. It's kinda hard to talk here" she said letting go of his hand and standing up.

Jordan waited for her to walk around to where he was before taking her hand and leading her out to the car park, to the privacy of his car.

Songs were - You Could Be Happy by Snow Patrol

Add It Up by The Violent Femmes

Black by Pearl Jam


	7. Chapter 7

As they got out into the cool night air, Jordan smiled and turned to look at her, his face full of hope. "I can't tell you how stoked I am that you showed up tonight Ang" he gushed still smiling at her.

Angela brushed a few strands of hair away from her face and sat down against the wall. "I wouldn't have missed it" she murmured.

He took out a cigarette from the crumpled packet in his jeans pocket and lit it up, looking towards his car and then back to Angela. "Dont ya wanna go sit in my car? It's warmer" he said softly.

She shook her head slowly and looked to the floor "It's fine here. Look, I need to like tell you this..I read your letter Jordan, and I liked it, I honestly did. I'm glad that it came from you and that you meant every word, but I can't like.._allow_ myself to get hurt again" She mumbled the last few words, still staring at the floor. Not wanting to see the hurt expression on his face.

He exhaled the smoke that swam around in his lungs, hoping that somehow it would relieve the crushing pain he felt in his chest at hearing her words.

"You won't get hurt again..you won't" he whispered, feeling as though the lump in his throat were about to explode.

He crouched down so his eyes were level with hers. His hands cupped her chin and tilted her head back so she'd have no choice but to look at his face.

"I'll _never _hurt you again" he said gazing into her widened Green eyes.

Angela smiled at him sadly, she had never heard such conviction and sincerity in his voice. "I have never felt this way about anyone, I love you Jordan I do, but I can't be with you. Can't we like.. try being friends?" she asked hopefully.

He sighed and gently released her face from his hands. Swallowing hard he looked away from her. feeling a mixture of wounded pride and genuine hurt.

"What else am I supposed to do huh? I like wrote songs about you, I've apologised a hundred times. Dammit Angela you made me think I had a chance of getting you back!" he said with a tone full of unintentional bitterness.

Angelas eyes widened with surprise " I didn't make you think anything. I've told you I love you and my reaction to you playing was that of pride...I know you're sorry Jordan I really do, I'm just not ready to go there again..Not yet"

He rubbed his eyes in frustration and looked around at the various parked cars _Look anywhere but at her , don't let her see you cry_ he thought.

He sat down next to her and tilted his head back against the wall. Turning his head slowly towards her, he sighed and closed his eyes for a few seconds._ I can smell her hair, she smells good. Don't be a jerk and push her away, go with what she wants._ he told himself.

"Okay, so friends right?" he mumbled, trying not to sound like a chastised five year old.

She smiled at him, relieved that he hadn't pulled his usual stunt of running away from all things awkward. "Friends" she whispered.

They both sat there for a long while in comfortable silence. He had lit up yet another cigarette and she was looking up at the night sky.

"This isn't going to be easy for me y'know" he said looking at her with a slight frown.

"Huh?" she replied, his voice distracting her from her stargazing.

"This friends thing I mean. It's gonna be difficult..I may like have an urgent need to like kiss you.." he said, a playful smile forming on his lips.

She couldn't help but grin at his statement and laughed "well try to resist that urge Catalano" she said, lightly nudging his shoulder with her own.

"ah man, I tried right?" he said still smiling.

"You are a trying person Jordan" she laughed. Happy that they still had a closeness after such an intense talk.

_play this right man, be her friend, show her you can be what she wants. wait it out and be patient. Just don't fuck up_ he thought.

He stood up and extended his hand out to help pull her up. "So can a friend drive you home? It's getting kinda late.." he said, not really wanting the night to end.

She let him pull her up and brushed herself down, straightening her coat. "That would be great" she smiled.

She still had hold of his hand as they walked to his car, only letting it go when she went to sit in the passenger seat.

As he walked around to the drivers side of the car he smiled and rolled his eyes "This is gonna be weird" he said softly to himself before he got in and started the engine.


End file.
